MY ST VALENTINE’S CURSE

Por Victor C Drax

 

I have a curse. A St. Valentine’s curse. Horrible and dark, it is said it was originally crafted by Norse witches. Maybe it’s upon you too, as it is expanding on recent times, like a plague, like a little virus that starts isolated on a little country forgotten by God, only to expand and take over the planet. I’ve gone to church, I’ve gone to doctors. Nobody can help me with this thing. And I fear, this February won’t be any different.

 

Bear with me here. I know I’m having a hard time telling you what pains me, but I get nervous just thinking of it.

 

It’s not buying presents.

 

I think we all know how it goes. You buy groceries on that store near your home and when you walk in one morning, the place is full of chocolate hearts and teddy bears. All that is missing is the huge “BUY ME” neon sign, but these marketing strategies are so effective that the feeling isn’t lost. Regular products and sweets now come in a variety of love, so you can buy you ladyfriend’s favorite brand of candy, now shaped like a heart –and double price. It is, arguably, so much worse for my girlfriend, since my birthday is almost a month away from Christmas. Plain and simple, you better have money when St. Valentine comes. But… no, that is not the true power behind my curse.

 

You could think it’s being alone.

 

Well. It ain’t.

 

Although I recognize that I’m not Johnny Depp’s lost brother, I’ve learned to play to my strengths with the tools I’ve been given, something fundamental to any person on the face of the planet. I have a girlfriend, as a matter of fact, and we’re quite glad with each other, so that thing of listening to the radio and being suddenly assaulted by Aerosmith’s Hole in my Soul won’t induce a explosion of tears, shakes and the unspeakable terror of loneliness because most of the time I don’t feel like engaging other human beings in conversation, because I’m a grouch, because sometimes I am actively obnoxious, because I’m not cut out for smile and dance with my sweetie on the prairie, holding hands with a rainbow crowning our pretty romance. I’m safe from the fear of nobody liking me since there’s someone who sort of does (and that I like too, that’s very important). So, nope, that’s not the heart of the curse.

 

Oh, perhaps it’s that fake act that you have to put on, pretending it’s a special date to celebrate love, when you could do the same things you do on Valentine’s any other day of the year.

 

Close, but no cigar.

 

It’s not up to me to say whether I’m a romantic fellow or not —if we accept romance not so much as “Now we can talk to each other like babies and I can give you lots of stuffed stupid animals,” and more a thing of “Drive faster, honey, I’m running out of bullets and the cops are getting real close”—, and that is not very much the point; if you decide not to celebrate Valentine’s day on this premise, you might as well forget about mother’s day too, since you can (and you should!) treat your mother in a special way every day of the year. Give yourself a break, buy your girl a present, have dinner! And if Valentine’s Day for you and your better half is every day, then that’s great too. No, this is not where the energies of my curse are born.

 

Brace yourself, for the power of my St. Valentine’s curse is… people.

 

“WHY ARE WE EVEN CELEBRATING SOME AMERICAN TRADITION THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR TROPICAL ROOTS? IT’S ALL A PART OF CORPORATIONS THAT TRY TO SELL SHIT TO YOU AND IF YOU BUY INTO THEIR GAME, YOU’RE AN UGLY, SMELLY ZOMBIE AND I’M GONNA BE HAPPY WHEN THE APOCALYPSE COMES AND I CAN SHOOT YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE. I MEAN, WHY IS VALENTINE’S SO IMPORTANT? AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE WITH A HUMAN BEING? LOVE COULD BE TO FRIENDS OR YOUR PETS, NOT A GIRLFRIEND OR A BOYFRIEND, THOSE THINGS ARE STOOOOPID, SINCE EVERY RELATIONSHIP WILL END ONE DAY. I’M TELLING YOU, ONE DAY YOU’RE GOING TO BE ALONE AND SAD ON VALENTINE’S AND YOU WILL SEE MY WAYS AND YOU WILL TURN INTO A TIM BURTON CHARACTER BUT IT WILL BE AWESOME BECAUSE WE’RE FREE FROM THE BIG OVERMIND THAT TRY TO MAKE US ALL THINK ALIKE.”

 

Fuck’s sake, just shut up if you don’t care about it.